Mommy in the hospital

Mommy in the hospital

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Twin B is coming

I started having contractions on June 9.  I was again so scared.  I was scared, but had a sense of peace because I just kept feeling that God has keep you for 10 more days and had given you some time to grow.

London Ahmir Griffin was born on June 11, 2008 weighing 1.5 1/2oz.  You were 12 1/4 inches  The nurses this time didn't let me see you before they wished you off to NICU.  That worried me.  So as I worried about London, I had to bury my mother child. Leaving the hospital it felt so weird.  I didn't have a baby to take with me home. So as we left the hospital in the hospital gown, me and dad had to make funeral arrangements.

Now I'm in the hospital trying to plan a funeral for my sweet baby Lauryn.  When tragedy happens you get so much inaccurate information. People were telling me that we did not have to have a funeral because Lauryn died in the hospital. Not true. If a baby takes a breath, then they are considered living and we were responsible. I didn't really care, because it was my child and I wanted her to be recognized as a living being. Which she was.. a person.  We had her funeral and lifted off pink balloons in her honor.

My mind was everywhere. On Lauryn and the birth of my son.  I felt like I didnt have time to grieve Lauryn's death because I had to ensure my other child would survive.  So now my time in the NICU begun....

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Twin A

As I prayed and prayed for both of my children's safe delivery.  The doctor told me that because my cervix was weak, it was a chance that I could deliver my babies between 4 days to 2 weeks. At the time I was less than 25 weeks pregnant. The doctors gave grim statistics that usually babies born before 25 weeks rarely survived and if they did, the baby could have alot of heath problems.  I heard them, but continued to rely on faith.  Lauryn Milan Griffin was born on May 31, 2008 weighing 14 1/2 lbs. Not even a pound.  Their were so many doctors in the room, that I just cried and cried and cried.  I can't even remember if I heard her cry.  One of the nurses just kept saying she was feisty little thing because she kept swinging her little arms to prevent them from putting the tube down her throat. They let me see her for a brief moment before they took her down to the NICU.  I was so scared. The miracle that happened, was that London didn't come right after Lauryn was born. The doctors keep shaking their heads, because most twins come right after each other, but my London waited 11 more days to be more.
 I wasn't able to see her very often because the doctors wanted me to stay off my feet because I still was carrying Twin B (London).  So I called the NICU everyday atleast twice a day for an update. She was so sick, but I didn't really grasp it because I hadn't seen her. Your Dad would go see her, but I couldn't.  I feel so bad. I wanted to hold her, talk to her, love on her.  So I recorded my voice on a tape recorder and asked the nurses to play it for her.  The doctors came to see me in my room explaining the seriousness of having a baby so small. I listened, but just really didn't know what to say. I kinda felt like they were asking me to remove her from the ventilator.  I wasn't about to do that. I wasn't God.  If God wanted her, he would be the one to take her.  I had faith. I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I began to journal and write a letter to you both to let you know just how I was feeling and how much I loved you both.  I still read over my journal at times.
I was able to touch Lauryn for the first time on June 5, 2008. She was so tiny.  I remember her arm being no bigger than my two fingers put together. I called everyone I knew to start praying for us.
The doctors first gave hope as they said Lauryn's blood pressure medications were being decreased, they were able to get a blood pressure reading, which they hadn't many times before.  They were able to turn down her oxygen. But, On June 7, 2008 things began to take a turn for the worse.  Her heart rate went down, they put a tube in her chest because her lung had collapsed, oxygen had been cut off for 5 minutes.  I remember the doctor's telling me to come see Lauryn because they didn't know how long she was going to make it.  I went down to see her and just told her how much I loved her and if she was tired of fighting that it was ok to stop fighting. I wanted Lauryn to know that she was loved.  Lauryn left this earth on June 8, 2008 at 1:15 am. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. I was hurting because I had lost something that I had always wanted as a child.  My daughter.
I was so sad, but thankful that God had kept my other child.  So as I lost my precious daughter, I was now praying for my other baby to survive.  I believe a few things after this.. God doesn't put more on you than you can bare. He knows just how strong we are.  Not in a million years did I think I would have been standing if I would have lost a baby before. I believe that Lauryn gave her life for London to survive.  There is no other wa to explain why she came first and London waited 11 more days to be born. It was just a miracle, but it was God. God had to show me just who he was. I believe that Lauryn provided her strength and fight for London. There is no other way to explain how London survived.  God and my grandmother was watching over us, I know they were.  So my journey began trying to ensure that my Twin B survived.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Trying to have a baby.


Since I can remember, I've always wanted a family.  I felt like I had did everything that I ever wanted to do before I had you. I went to school, got my degrees, traveled the world, found a husband who I knew would be good father.  So the only natural thing was to begin a family. It wasn't that easy.

I learned that it was going to be somewhat difficult trying to have a baby. I was going to need a little help. So mommy and dad had to go see a doctor to help us get a baby. It took a few tries and a new new doctor. We had a scare, but finally I was pregnant. I couldn't have been more delighted. We had a doctor's appointment to confirm we were having a baby and then we had to go back to get an ultrasound.

The doctor kept looking and looking. I was thinking, Lord what is it now.  He said we see two. I said two what. He said two babies, I was like what, can you repeat that.  My prayer had just been to have a baby.  But when he said 2, I was overjoyed.

We later found out it was a girl first and then a boy.  When they said a girl I was so excited,  and then I kept praying.. Lord say its a boy.  One each would be just fine with me. I was delighted.  The lady said its a boy.  Whew.. Thank you Lord.

After we found out the sexes, I was then given the bad new that I had to be on bed rest because both babies were too heavy on my cervix.  So for a month I had to stay in the house either in bed or on the couch.  Grandma Mabel cooked everyday, Dad did all the cleaning and came home to see about me, Aunt El gave to the house every week to clean and everyone else came by to check on us.

One day I got up and water was running every where, I was so scared. Thank God your sister Jade was here, because that made me calm. I didn't want to scare her. So I called Dad, who just happened to be on his way, and he took me to the hospital. That was the scariest day of my life.  I went to one hospital and because I was having a high risk pregnancy, due to twins, I was moved to another hospital. I don't know if I ever prayed so hard and so much.

Cousin Cathy and Aunt Wanda came to my room and assured me God had everything under control.  We prayed together.

The doctors came and told me that we would just see what would happen, but that due to me being so early in my pregnancy, it was a possibility that my babies may not make it.  I was 23 weeks pregnant.  I just kept thinking that their was something greater than me and God would help us.  I stayed in the hospital for a week. Your twin sister, Twin A, was born at 24 weeks. Lauryn Milan Griffin. I named Lauryn after a singer named Lauren Hill.  I always thought she was such a talented and strong woman.  Lauryn had been a strong little girl, so the name fit.  She was born May 31, 2008.  Well here was my start of being a Mommy and making sure you both were ok.

You for some reason had decided to wait to come out. The doctors were so surprised and said most twins come right behind each other.  You waited because you knew I need you and I believe in my heart that Lauryn gave her life so that you could make it. She left this earth and gave you her strength.  Once Lauryn was born, Grandma dot drove all the way to Virginia to be with us all. She hasn't left our side.

Lauryn was born at only 12 oz.  She was the smallest baby I had ever seen. I don't know if her little arm was bigger than my index finger. It was so hard. The doctors didn't have alot of faith that she would survive. But I did. I prayed everyday and every minute. It was so hard, I was unable to see her that much because the doctors wanted me to stay in the bed because you still needed time in the womb to develop. So my memory of her is a little fuzzy at times because I didn't get to see her much. I was trying to stay strong for the both of you.

Your sister lived for 8 days. She died on June 8, 2011. The nurses said she was a fighter. The last day when her lung collapsed, I told her that I knew she had fought and it was ok if she couldn't do it anymore.  Lauryn passed in the early morning. I know she is in heaven with my grandmother Willie Mae and she's watching over her.

So through all this I want you to know that you were wanted, prayed for, loved.  So you never havw to get love from anyone else, because you have had that before you were created.

I wanted to create this blog for you to express my love for you son and so one day when you are a young man and able to read this and understand your journey. I pray that you never feel down about your hearing loss and I'm sure you will have some bad days. But just know you are a blessed little boy and we love you more than you will ever know.

I want to write about your journey getting here, surviving, learning that you were deaf and your life.  This has been a journey that I will never forget. I'm so happy that you are here. You  have brought so much joy to my life, our family and our home.  So I hope you enjoy reading about your little life.

Love always,